My Final Two-Handed Entry For Quite Some Time...

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely terrified right now.

This time tomorrow I will be sitting in a drugged-out haze, most likely in a world of pain, and cursing the day I went whitewater rafting in July 2005. Around 10 AM tomorrow, I will undergo exploratory surgery to fix the tear in my bicep tendon and determine if I have a Bankart lesion as well. Depending on the scope of my injuries, I'll be in surgery for 90 minutes to a couple hours.

If I could do anything to stop time right now, I would.

I am so scared to wake up from my surgery and feel the way I did the last time I was under general anesthesia. That was five years ago. I woke up with a sore throat that lasted six months. My immune system, which is already taxed from various health issues, was absolutely drained. How will I bounce back from this surgery? All I can do is hope for the best, but I'm also preparing for the mental and physical anguish of the worst case scenario.

Three times today, I started crying just thinking about the giant hassle this surgery is. (This is very unlike me!) Tears fell at lunch when I suddenly became scared of the procedure. Later, I started sobbing in a dressing stall at Old Navy, where I was trying on XXL shirts to wear over my sling. I looked ridiculous, and the dread of commuting to the city, struggling to carry my laptop with one arm, and looking like an absolute fool took over me. I had the third meltdown on the ride home. I suspect another bout with tears isn't far away this evening.

The hardest part for me is losing my independence. I am not someone who likes to be coddled, and for the next several weeks, I will be forced to rely on the help of friends and family to get dressed, cut my food up, help style my hair, drive me to work, pretty much everything short of wiping my ass. It is humiliating. Demoralizing. Frustrating. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

I guess sitting here coming up with "what if" scenarios isn't going to do me any good so I'll stop with my pity party for now. The fact of the matter is that my arm really hurts, and my poor neck and back are now compensating for the injury, so they hurt as well. I was in Tahoe over the weekend, and the cold aggravated my joints terribly. It was a good indicator (and painful reminder) that this surgery is the right thing to do. Hopefully within a few months, I'll be pain free.

Please know that I'll be in a sling for 4-6 weeks so my blog entries may be few and far between over the coming weeks. They will also be littered with typos (more than usual).

I'm going to go eat my last supper now (delicious Thai food from Thai Smile and my favorite mint confetti ice cream from Three Twins). Until next time, adios amigos...