Although the last couple of weeks have been challenging, there are at least a million other reasons to be thankful for the blessings that have come my way in 2006. A loving family, the unwavering support of old friends, the ability to chat with strangers who've become new friends, the excitement of a new job, being able to travel around the US, Canada, and Mexico...the list goes on. I've been a lucky girl and for that, I am thankful.
I wish you and your loved ones a very Happy Thanksgiving!
Let the eat-off begin!
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Week Two as a Gimp
I'll start with the good news - my shoulder incisions are healing nicely. I had all the tubing and wires removed yesterday and the ice machine that was keeping me a prisoner in my own home, is no longer permanently attached.
Here's an awesome photo from last week. Note the awesome sling, ice machine, and hair flair (courtesy of Bethany). I told you I was bringing sexy back...
The bad news is that I am stuck in the immobilizer for at least four more weeks, possibly longer. I did not tear my bicep tendon, but actually tore all the surgical work that was done in my previous shoulder surgery. I had a massive tear of the labrum and capsule from the glenoid known as a Bankart Lesion. My labrum actually folded in on itself...the doctor said it was like something exploded in my shoulder capsule. I'm lucky the shoulder didn't dislocate as it was so unstable.
Every day brings a new challenge or frustration. I spill something about 2-3 times a day on myself. Dressing myself is a nightmare. Pain keeps me awake at night (even with pain meds). I've been given the green light to shower, but I can't figure out how to get the sling off and on with one hand which means I still need daily assistance. I can drive...well sorta. I kind of scare myself driving in this state, so don't worry, I'll keep that to a minimum.
I return to work next week which will bring with it a new chapter of aggravation. I need to get out of the house before I go mad. Although I've been enjoying just about every show on the Discovery Channel lately. (Seriously, who came up with Survival Friday? AWESOME! Man vs. Wild, Stunt Junkies, Everest, and I Shouldn't be Alive on the same night?) I may be laid up with injuries right now, but I'm learning how to keep mosquitoes off me in the Costa Rican rainforest, how to find food by ravaging bird nests and then frying those eggs in the deadly heat of Moab, learning that I'll never make it as a mountaineer, and finding all sorts of new stunts to injure my shoulder next time around... (Just kidding mom!)
That's all the excitement from here.
Thanks for all your patience and support with me over the past week. I appreciate all the cards, meals, calls, meals, visits, ice runs, and did I mention meals?
Here's an awesome photo from last week. Note the awesome sling, ice machine, and hair flair (courtesy of Bethany). I told you I was bringing sexy back...
The bad news is that I am stuck in the immobilizer for at least four more weeks, possibly longer. I did not tear my bicep tendon, but actually tore all the surgical work that was done in my previous shoulder surgery. I had a massive tear of the labrum and capsule from the glenoid known as a Bankart Lesion. My labrum actually folded in on itself...the doctor said it was like something exploded in my shoulder capsule. I'm lucky the shoulder didn't dislocate as it was so unstable.
Every day brings a new challenge or frustration. I spill something about 2-3 times a day on myself. Dressing myself is a nightmare. Pain keeps me awake at night (even with pain meds). I've been given the green light to shower, but I can't figure out how to get the sling off and on with one hand which means I still need daily assistance. I can drive...well sorta. I kind of scare myself driving in this state, so don't worry, I'll keep that to a minimum.
I return to work next week which will bring with it a new chapter of aggravation. I need to get out of the house before I go mad. Although I've been enjoying just about every show on the Discovery Channel lately. (Seriously, who came up with Survival Friday? AWESOME! Man vs. Wild, Stunt Junkies, Everest, and I Shouldn't be Alive on the same night?) I may be laid up with injuries right now, but I'm learning how to keep mosquitoes off me in the Costa Rican rainforest, how to find food by ravaging bird nests and then frying those eggs in the deadly heat of Moab, learning that I'll never make it as a mountaineer, and finding all sorts of new stunts to injure my shoulder next time around... (Just kidding mom!)
That's all the excitement from here.
Thanks for all your patience and support with me over the past week. I appreciate all the cards, meals, calls, meals, visits, ice runs, and did I mention meals?
Saturday, November 18, 2006
A Clarification on "Shame on You..."
I am not a shrinking violet, and this is not an apology for what I wrote on Thursday. I stand by those words wholeheartedly, but I do need to clarify a few things as I feel my words stung some innocent friends quite deeply.
The responses have been very emotional and supportive (with the exception of a troll who I'll address at the end of this). The problem is the majority of those who reacted to my entry were not the people I was trying to reach, and for that, I do feel bad. Blame the cloud of Percocet that fogged my thought process when I wrote this or blame my lousy writing, the "Shame" entry was dedicated to the friends who promised to help me prior to the surgery. When four days passed after surgery, and only my mom's, Katie, and Rick had come by, I was hurt. I watched Tim grow more tired with each passing day from working and caring for me. I started thinking about the friends who'd offered to visit, cook, help me get cleaned up, and help with whatever was needed, and began calling on those friends to see if I could cash in on those offers. Most were just too busy, and some of you, well, you never even bothered to call me back.
Wow. Talk about sending a message loud and clear.
I was talking to a friend I unintentionally upset with my blog this morning. I apologized as I know she is super busy with her family and career, plus she lives an hour away so it's not exactly easy for her to just pop over for a visit. She was really cool about everything once I explained where I was coming from, but she also made an excellent point. She said (and I'm paraphrasing), we never know what life is going to hand us, and it could be any one of us laid up tomorrow. She was taking the message of my blog and using it as motivation to try to improve her communication with her loved ones.
It's the golden rule people - do unto others as you would have them do unto you. What more can I say? We as a society (myself included) get so wrapped up in what is happening around us that we're losing track of what counts...our relationships with our loved ones. If I take anything from this experience, it will be the resolve to be a better friend. One who picks up the phone more and emails less. It will be hard and I expect moments of complete failure, but I know I don't want any friend or loved one to ever feel as alone as I did when I wrote the "Shame" blog.
I hope this helps clear up any confusion on the matter, and if you are unsure, please call or write and I'll be happy to talk about this some more.
And lastly, a not-so-anonymous message to the "brave" troll who emailed me last night...
It takes a really courageous person to send an anonymous email to a stranger and make false judgments about them. It takes an even braver soul to neglect posting a return email address on that same email. A few words of advice before you spew your illiterate hatred on other blogs - reading first makes you a better troll.
You wrote:
are you kidding me! Think of your husband and not just yourself
you are a great person but think of the person you are married tand the wonderful person he is
--
Posted by Anonymous to Shall I use my powers for good instead of evil? at 11/17/2006 11:51:37 PM
First off, you are an idiot. Beyond the obvious spelling and grammatical errors in your pointless drivel above, if you read my shame blog at all, you'd know an entire paragraph is dedicated to my wonderful husband Tim, talking about his long thankless days serving as my caretaker, you fucktard!
Go back to the kiddie pool, troll.
The responses have been very emotional and supportive (with the exception of a troll who I'll address at the end of this). The problem is the majority of those who reacted to my entry were not the people I was trying to reach, and for that, I do feel bad. Blame the cloud of Percocet that fogged my thought process when I wrote this or blame my lousy writing, the "Shame" entry was dedicated to the friends who promised to help me prior to the surgery. When four days passed after surgery, and only my mom's, Katie, and Rick had come by, I was hurt. I watched Tim grow more tired with each passing day from working and caring for me. I started thinking about the friends who'd offered to visit, cook, help me get cleaned up, and help with whatever was needed, and began calling on those friends to see if I could cash in on those offers. Most were just too busy, and some of you, well, you never even bothered to call me back.
Wow. Talk about sending a message loud and clear.
I was talking to a friend I unintentionally upset with my blog this morning. I apologized as I know she is super busy with her family and career, plus she lives an hour away so it's not exactly easy for her to just pop over for a visit. She was really cool about everything once I explained where I was coming from, but she also made an excellent point. She said (and I'm paraphrasing), we never know what life is going to hand us, and it could be any one of us laid up tomorrow. She was taking the message of my blog and using it as motivation to try to improve her communication with her loved ones.
It's the golden rule people - do unto others as you would have them do unto you. What more can I say? We as a society (myself included) get so wrapped up in what is happening around us that we're losing track of what counts...our relationships with our loved ones. If I take anything from this experience, it will be the resolve to be a better friend. One who picks up the phone more and emails less. It will be hard and I expect moments of complete failure, but I know I don't want any friend or loved one to ever feel as alone as I did when I wrote the "Shame" blog.
I hope this helps clear up any confusion on the matter, and if you are unsure, please call or write and I'll be happy to talk about this some more.
And lastly, a not-so-anonymous message to the "brave" troll who emailed me last night...
It takes a really courageous person to send an anonymous email to a stranger and make false judgments about them. It takes an even braver soul to neglect posting a return email address on that same email. A few words of advice before you spew your illiterate hatred on other blogs - reading first makes you a better troll.
You wrote:
are you kidding me! Think of your husband and not just yourself
you are a great person but think of the person you are married tand the wonderful person he is
--
Posted by Anonymous to Shall I use my powers for good instead of evil? at 11/17/2006 11:51:37 PM
First off, you are an idiot. Beyond the obvious spelling and grammatical errors in your pointless drivel above, if you read my shame blog at all, you'd know an entire paragraph is dedicated to my wonderful husband Tim, talking about his long thankless days serving as my caretaker, you fucktard!
Go back to the kiddie pool, troll.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
shame on you...
you sure find out who your true friends are when you undergo surgery.
a small group of wonderful friends have come to visit and help me in my current helpless state. those who could not be here physically have called almost daily.
what is strange to me is that friends in florida, oregon, and kansas have called to check on my well-being, while friends who share the same area code (and frankly zip code) haven't bothered to even say hello. you know who you are.
i wasn't expecting bouquets of flowers from you, just your friendship. those who volunteered to visit or help me around the house, even do my hair...where are you? i have no place to go. i'm ready.
or am i asking too much of you? am i that much of a burden to you?
the extent of my surgery caught us all off-guard. we knew i'd be limited following the procedure, but with a bankart and a bicep tendon tear, i'm essentially a prisoner in my own home. while tim is working, i'm connected to a cumbersome ice machine that cools my throbbing shoulder. the problem is while i can disconnect from it, i can't reconnect one-handed. this means if i have to go to the bathroom and i am alone, i have to carry a 15 lb. cooler and tubing with me. it is heavy and dangerous for me to do this. i hurt myself today doing this, but i had no choice. my shoulder is encased in a heavily padded immobilizer sling that limits all my physical activities. not that i have the energy to do much. just typing this one-handed will wipe me out for the rest of the afternoon.
my two moms have been coming over as much as they can to care for me. instead of catching up on errands, my mom will spend her second day off this week driving an hour north to care for me. i hate asking this of her, but i need her right now, both physically and emotionally. my mom-in-law andrea was here yesterday, this morning, and she's even coming back late this afternoon. she has been awesome as well, and doesn't complain when i need her to run to the store for ice or food. i've just enjoyed her company more than anything.
meanwhile, katie is also coming over this afternoon. the second day in a row. she lives in oakland, i am not convenient to her, but she's coming to make sure i have lunch today. bethany is driving up tonight. nevermind she has to work all day in the city and hire a dogwalker to take her darling zoe-dog out tonight. she's doing it because she cares about me and to give my exhausted husband an evening off. irika is driving an hour north to see me tomorrow even though she really needs to study for her nursing classes.
don't even get me started on tim, who is working 16-hour days between work and nursing me. i can't do anything right now. it is tim at 7am getting me dressed, and tim running to the store after work to pick up sprite and yet another bag of ice for my shoulder. he's the one enduring my cries of frustration, temper tantrums, and cleaning up after the percocet and my dinner fail to digest properly. tim has the most thankless job in the world and once again, with the exception of a few, where are our friends?
i have been to your wedding and baby showers, to the hospital to greet your new arrivals. i have helped nurse some of you back to health, made meals for you and your family duing times of illness or loss. i have stayed up till the wee hours of the morning talking to you through your divorce proceedings, break-ups, lay-offs, etc. i am not claiming to be perfect, but i have tried to be there during your most pressing times. i am stunned at the way i have been ignored by most and moved to tears by the kindness of so few of you. thank you to all those who have taken the time to help or to just check-in and say hello. you don't know how much that means to me. to the rest, shame on you.
a small group of wonderful friends have come to visit and help me in my current helpless state. those who could not be here physically have called almost daily.
what is strange to me is that friends in florida, oregon, and kansas have called to check on my well-being, while friends who share the same area code (and frankly zip code) haven't bothered to even say hello. you know who you are.
i wasn't expecting bouquets of flowers from you, just your friendship. those who volunteered to visit or help me around the house, even do my hair...where are you? i have no place to go. i'm ready.
or am i asking too much of you? am i that much of a burden to you?
the extent of my surgery caught us all off-guard. we knew i'd be limited following the procedure, but with a bankart and a bicep tendon tear, i'm essentially a prisoner in my own home. while tim is working, i'm connected to a cumbersome ice machine that cools my throbbing shoulder. the problem is while i can disconnect from it, i can't reconnect one-handed. this means if i have to go to the bathroom and i am alone, i have to carry a 15 lb. cooler and tubing with me. it is heavy and dangerous for me to do this. i hurt myself today doing this, but i had no choice. my shoulder is encased in a heavily padded immobilizer sling that limits all my physical activities. not that i have the energy to do much. just typing this one-handed will wipe me out for the rest of the afternoon.
my two moms have been coming over as much as they can to care for me. instead of catching up on errands, my mom will spend her second day off this week driving an hour north to care for me. i hate asking this of her, but i need her right now, both physically and emotionally. my mom-in-law andrea was here yesterday, this morning, and she's even coming back late this afternoon. she has been awesome as well, and doesn't complain when i need her to run to the store for ice or food. i've just enjoyed her company more than anything.
meanwhile, katie is also coming over this afternoon. the second day in a row. she lives in oakland, i am not convenient to her, but she's coming to make sure i have lunch today. bethany is driving up tonight. nevermind she has to work all day in the city and hire a dogwalker to take her darling zoe-dog out tonight. she's doing it because she cares about me and to give my exhausted husband an evening off. irika is driving an hour north to see me tomorrow even though she really needs to study for her nursing classes.
don't even get me started on tim, who is working 16-hour days between work and nursing me. i can't do anything right now. it is tim at 7am getting me dressed, and tim running to the store after work to pick up sprite and yet another bag of ice for my shoulder. he's the one enduring my cries of frustration, temper tantrums, and cleaning up after the percocet and my dinner fail to digest properly. tim has the most thankless job in the world and once again, with the exception of a few, where are our friends?
i have been to your wedding and baby showers, to the hospital to greet your new arrivals. i have helped nurse some of you back to health, made meals for you and your family duing times of illness or loss. i have stayed up till the wee hours of the morning talking to you through your divorce proceedings, break-ups, lay-offs, etc. i am not claiming to be perfect, but i have tried to be there during your most pressing times. i am stunned at the way i have been ignored by most and moved to tears by the kindness of so few of you. thank you to all those who have taken the time to help or to just check-in and say hello. you don't know how much that means to me. to the rest, shame on you.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
My Final Two-Handed Entry For Quite Some Time...
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely terrified right now.
This time tomorrow I will be sitting in a drugged-out haze, most likely in a world of pain, and cursing the day I went whitewater rafting in July 2005. Around 10 AM tomorrow, I will undergo exploratory surgery to fix the tear in my bicep tendon and determine if I have a Bankart lesion as well. Depending on the scope of my injuries, I'll be in surgery for 90 minutes to a couple hours.
If I could do anything to stop time right now, I would.
I am so scared to wake up from my surgery and feel the way I did the last time I was under general anesthesia. That was five years ago. I woke up with a sore throat that lasted six months. My immune system, which is already taxed from various health issues, was absolutely drained. How will I bounce back from this surgery? All I can do is hope for the best, but I'm also preparing for the mental and physical anguish of the worst case scenario.
Three times today, I started crying just thinking about the giant hassle this surgery is. (This is very unlike me!) Tears fell at lunch when I suddenly became scared of the procedure. Later, I started sobbing in a dressing stall at Old Navy, where I was trying on XXL shirts to wear over my sling. I looked ridiculous, and the dread of commuting to the city, struggling to carry my laptop with one arm, and looking like an absolute fool took over me. I had the third meltdown on the ride home. I suspect another bout with tears isn't far away this evening.
The hardest part for me is losing my independence. I am not someone who likes to be coddled, and for the next several weeks, I will be forced to rely on the help of friends and family to get dressed, cut my food up, help style my hair, drive me to work, pretty much everything short of wiping my ass. It is humiliating. Demoralizing. Frustrating. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
I guess sitting here coming up with "what if" scenarios isn't going to do me any good so I'll stop with my pity party for now. The fact of the matter is that my arm really hurts, and my poor neck and back are now compensating for the injury, so they hurt as well. I was in Tahoe over the weekend, and the cold aggravated my joints terribly. It was a good indicator (and painful reminder) that this surgery is the right thing to do. Hopefully within a few months, I'll be pain free.
Please know that I'll be in a sling for 4-6 weeks so my blog entries may be few and far between over the coming weeks. They will also be littered with typos (more than usual).
I'm going to go eat my last supper now (delicious Thai food from Thai Smile and my favorite mint confetti ice cream from Three Twins). Until next time, adios amigos...
This time tomorrow I will be sitting in a drugged-out haze, most likely in a world of pain, and cursing the day I went whitewater rafting in July 2005. Around 10 AM tomorrow, I will undergo exploratory surgery to fix the tear in my bicep tendon and determine if I have a Bankart lesion as well. Depending on the scope of my injuries, I'll be in surgery for 90 minutes to a couple hours.
If I could do anything to stop time right now, I would.
I am so scared to wake up from my surgery and feel the way I did the last time I was under general anesthesia. That was five years ago. I woke up with a sore throat that lasted six months. My immune system, which is already taxed from various health issues, was absolutely drained. How will I bounce back from this surgery? All I can do is hope for the best, but I'm also preparing for the mental and physical anguish of the worst case scenario.
Three times today, I started crying just thinking about the giant hassle this surgery is. (This is very unlike me!) Tears fell at lunch when I suddenly became scared of the procedure. Later, I started sobbing in a dressing stall at Old Navy, where I was trying on XXL shirts to wear over my sling. I looked ridiculous, and the dread of commuting to the city, struggling to carry my laptop with one arm, and looking like an absolute fool took over me. I had the third meltdown on the ride home. I suspect another bout with tears isn't far away this evening.
The hardest part for me is losing my independence. I am not someone who likes to be coddled, and for the next several weeks, I will be forced to rely on the help of friends and family to get dressed, cut my food up, help style my hair, drive me to work, pretty much everything short of wiping my ass. It is humiliating. Demoralizing. Frustrating. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
I guess sitting here coming up with "what if" scenarios isn't going to do me any good so I'll stop with my pity party for now. The fact of the matter is that my arm really hurts, and my poor neck and back are now compensating for the injury, so they hurt as well. I was in Tahoe over the weekend, and the cold aggravated my joints terribly. It was a good indicator (and painful reminder) that this surgery is the right thing to do. Hopefully within a few months, I'll be pain free.
Please know that I'll be in a sling for 4-6 weeks so my blog entries may be few and far between over the coming weeks. They will also be littered with typos (more than usual).
I'm going to go eat my last supper now (delicious Thai food from Thai Smile and my favorite mint confetti ice cream from Three Twins). Until next time, adios amigos...
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