The Star Spangled Speedo

My friend Monique was over last night and she was shocked that I left out perhaps the best of the Speedo stories from over the years in my last blog. I promised to add an addendum to my last entry. Mo...this one's for you!

Mo, like myself, was a swimmer in high school. Years ago, when I was living back in Pacifica, the two of us would keep up our forms by hitting the indoor pool weekly at Oceana High School. Wednesday nights were the best nights to go, as it was adult only swim. We started to get to know the people who'd swim there, from the little old ladies in the slow lane, to the hardcore 500 IM guys in the fast lanes. But our favorite person of all was the man in the Star Spangled Speedo.

Once again proving my theory that the hairier of a man you are, the more likely you are to wear a Speedo, Mr. Star Spangled Speedo (or Mr. SSS) would come out of the men's locker room, sporting a seriously hairy torso. He had several Speedo's in his repertoire, but his favorite was a patriotic red, white, and blue number, complete with stars and stripes. Because really, what says "proud to be an American" more than a Speedo? For reasons known only to himself, Mr. SSS would always walk one lap around the entire pool before jumping in, strutting his stuff for all of us to see. Without fail, Mo and I would always manage to catch him doing this, and being lousy at keeping a straight face, would erupt in thunderous roar of laughter once he passed us by.

This is so awful to post, but you have to understand what we were viewing weekly. Having the balls (mind the pun) to wear one of these gives a whole new meaning to "the home of the brave!"



One problem with the Speedo is that it leaves very little to the imagination, and from time to time, Mr. SSS would be a little happier than usual to see all of us. My poor mother joined Mo and I one time for adult swim, and got to witness Mr. SSS with her own eyes. On this particular evening, Mr. SSS was in one of his more aroused states. Being the smartass that I am, I turned to Mo and my mother, and in my most serious voice said, "May I have your attention please. All rise for the Star Spangled Speedo!" Even my mom, a classy lady if there ever was one, had to take a moment to compose herself after that one.

Mr. SSS has become a bit of a legend to Mo and I. Although I have not seen Mr. SSS in years, he will live in on famously as one of the many freaks who makes my life that much more comical to live in, and the pool a much more entertaining place to visit.