Road to Nowhere

Were on a road to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin that ride to nowhere
Well take that ride

Im feelin okay this mornin
And you know,
Were on the road to paradise
Here we go, here we go

-Talking Heads, Road to Nowhere

Part of the fun of cruising is pulling into a port for a day and doing some exploring. Cruise lines offer a variety of activities for a hefty sum at each port. On an Alaskan cruise there are obvious offerings like salmon fishing and glacier tours, and crazy options such as snorkeling in Victoria, where participants don a 6.5 mm wetsuit before jumping into the icy waters off the island. I can honestly say there is no kelp forest or fish I need to see that badly in life...ever.

I came home one night from work to be greeted by a giddy husband. He had been researching our options and found one that met his fancy.

"We're going 4-wheelin' when we get to Skagway!" Tim says excitedly. "Travel the route of the Trail of '98 from behind the wheel of a four-wheel drive Jeep Wrangler on the Yukon Jeep Safari....Driving a four-person off-road vehicle provides the freedom of exploring Klondike Gold Rush from roads less taken. View Pitchfork Falls, Moore Bridge, Dead Horse Gulch, Brackett Wagon Trail and Tormented Valley enroute to the historic village of Carcross."

I try hard to force a smile and feign enthusiasm back at him. Since nearly drowning last summer in a white water rafting accident, any time I am presented with any kind of extreme sport or activity, I immediately clam up. Call it post-traumatic stress, call it being a sissy, I just didn't want to do it.

Yet Tim was so excited that it was hard to be negative about the Jeep tour. I figured if they were offering it to cruise ships it couldn't be THAT dangerous and the first step of healing from my accident would be to start being more accepting about trying things that scream DANGER! DEATH! SERIOUS INJURY!

Why I even worried is beyond me. In some "mix-up in communication" between the tour operator and our ship, somehow the message that the off-roading would be cancelled due to a heavier than normal snowdrift never made it to us. Instead we would be taking a five-hour drive from Skagway, through British Columbia, and into the Yukon Territory in our Jeep's. On the highway. Had we been informed in advance, I would have scrapped this for sea kayaking (my first choice in Skagway). Unfortunately, this news came to us 45 minutes into the drive when we were somewhere in BFN, British Columbia.

Of course we had overslept that morning and you can't take any food off the ship. We barely had time to scarf down anything for breakfast. And there was no time to wait for my coffee to cool down to drink it. That's right - no coffee. For five hours. In the middle of nowhere, with no radio signal. Into the wild where no one can hear you scream...in boredom.



Buck, our tour guide/adventure mojo squasher, tried to put a happy spin on things. "Tons of wildlife out here! One group saw a mama bear and her cubs the other day. We'll see mountain goats, bald eagles, all sorts of wildlife. I promise!"

My fair readers (all two of you), let me tell you the hidden truth about Alaska and Canada. You hear a lot about the amazing array of wildlife there. Lies! All lies! I was promised whales, orcas, bears, moose, and I saw nothing on my entire vacation. I'm convinced, there is no wildlife in that region at all.

It was pretty but the scenery for the first hour or two is much of the same. Snow, mountains, lakes, trees. The sun was shining on me in the passenger seat and I felt much like my cat Max who seeks out a sunbeam to nap in. I doze off repeatedly in between Buck's CB radio updates on the history of the area. He wants us to create names for each of our Jeep teams. Since Tim and I don't answer, Buck names us "Big Red" after our red Jeep. Redemption is suddenly mine for the taking. Tim has never forgiven me for our bus trip from Rome to Pompeii two years ago. We could have rented a car or taken the train (which I thought we were going to do) but we took a bus tour instead and I have been unfairly blamed for this since. It was so cheesy - 14 hours of our tour guide operator repeating the same thing in English, Italian, French, and Spanish. And singing. And tours of jewelry stores. A terrible detour through the slums of Naples. And ultimately, only about two hours spent in Pompeii (which was cool but not nearly enough time). We were on the Carrini bus line and the tour guide called us her "Carrini familia." With one simple "Big Red" name christening, I shoot Tim a glance and tell him, I never, ever want to hear about Pompeii or Family Carrini again.

But I digress...

As we come into the Yukon Territory, we pull over by a beautiful iced over lake. Buck tells us to take out our binoculars and look up. About 1000 feet above us, white mountain goats are out on the mountain. Even in binoculars, the goat look like tiny little specs. Fascinating.

Finally we arrive in the town of Carcross. Looking more like a ghost town than an inhabited town, Carcross is at the same time, desolate, run-down, and strangely beautiful. We get out of the Jeep to stretch our legs, have a snack, and check out the town. It is sunny, but freezing outside, and the wind chills you straight to the bone. The photo options are endless so I run around this metropolis snapping photos of the sights. As I'm walking over to an simple, white clapboard church, I have my first close brush with Yukon wildlife. A prairie dog pops out of a hole, takes one look at me, and darts back down.

The best part about Carcross is the availability of coffee. Amazingly, Starbucks hasn't made it to this Yukon outpost yet. I grab a cup at the General Store (gotta love a store where you can buy hunting clothes and Christmas ornaments all in one spot) and instantly feel better. (Note to self: seek help for obvious coffee addiction).

Three hours later, Big Red returns to Skagway from the road to nowhere. We are exhausted, famished, and ready to get out of the Jeep as soon as humanly possible. Much more a snooze than a safari, I will be giving Tim a hard time about this for years to come.